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In early June the Del Boca Gazette broke
the story under the banner headline, “ 1 in 5 Del Boca scholars say they were
bilked.” The scholars to whom the
article referred were the scores of Del Boca university students attending
college in nearby Andromeda city.
Typical was the case of twenty year old Eden Forbes, who remembers going
to a tailgate party where she got “blackout drunk”. The next thing she knew she woke up in a
strange bed with three goats, a feral cat, and a bill of sale with a scrawl on
it which purported to be her signature.
“I was bilked against my will”, said Forbes, “like, if I was in my right
head that’s not something I would do. I
don’t even like cats.”
The disturbing revelations in the Gazette article electrified Del
Boca. An emergency meeting of the Neighbors
and Friends Association was convened to discuss the problem of non-consensual
bilking. Morgana Worth, Andromeda
University’s Dean of Student affairs, and Simon Gatsby the Police Chief of
Andromeda City, were invited to explain themselves to the good people of Del
Boca.
“We send our kids off to Andromeda,” said
Francine Frei, “and what happens? They
get bilked against their will! What are you
people doing to protect our kids!?”
“Well, it is a difficult problem,” said
Morgana Worth, “Everyone knows that bilking is bad, but with the alcoholic haze
that hovers over America’s universities today it is sometimes difficult to know
when you have a binding contract and when you’ve been bilked. Much lies in the perception of the
contracting parties, and when they are both drunk it is sometimes difficult to
sort out intent.”
“Sounds like you want our kids to stop
partying.” said Francine Frei, “The Constitution says they have the right to
party. It guarantees them the right to
do whatever they want to do without being hassled.”
“Well, of course adults and near adults
should be free to drink as much as they want, whenever they want, wherever they
want,” said Morgana Worth, “but being drunk can place you at greater risk of
something bad happening to you.”
“That just sound like victim bashing.”
said Estrellita Charnovsky, “The University needs to make sure that everyone
respects each other at all times no matter what condition they are in. What are we paying you people for anyway?”
“Well there are some bad people out there
who will always take advantage,” interjected Chief Gatsby.
There was an audible gasp from the assembled
crowd. The clicking of Tweets drowned
out every other sound: “#Chief Gatsby
calls People bad.” “Gatsby thinks we are
still living in #20th century where #the People are the enemy”. “No bad people. Just #bad cops.”
“I mean, I’ve read about such people in
history,” the Chief quickly back-peddled, “not that there is anybody bad out
there now. I’m just saying”
“What are you saying Chief Gatsby,” said
Francine Frei.
“Well, it’s just if you have a big fat old
wallet full of cash, or a purse stuffed with cash and credit cards it might not
be the best idea to get blackout drunk just on the off chance that one of those
‘bad people’ from the old days might just happen to show up and bilk you. A fool and her money are soon parted.”
“I for one,” said Ned Clapp, “can’t waste
my time arguing up hypothetical non-existent ‘bad people’. We have a serious problem here and we need
real solutions. Perhaps the solution is
to lower the drinking age to six or seven so young people can learn to drink
responsibly before they get to college.”
Principal Violet Bell, from Del Boca
Elementary, perked up at this suggestion.
She thought that wine and cheese should have replaced milk and cookies
long ago.
“I’m not sure I agree with that approach,”
said Morgana Worth, “as an educator I think it is more important that younger
children learn to wash and dress themselves and learn how to read before
they learn the finer points of beer
pong, body shots, and keg stands.
Children need to learn self-discipline and self-restraint.”
The room erupted in Tweets: “Andromeda U
run by #fascists!” “Sieg Heil Andromeda U”
Francine Frei tried to calm the crowd and
return the conversation to something reasonable and achievable. “I’m going to recommend that we petition the
University and the Mayor to make it mandatory that people wear warning labels,
so that our kids will know who to look out for.”
“Brilliant!” said Ned Clapp, “A scarlet
letter B sewn on the front of a garment to signify ‘Bilker’, and maybe ‘CF’ for
crypto-fascist,” he said, looking squarely at Morgana Worth.
When the meeting broke up, the people of
Del Boca knew that they had done all THEY could by voting to lower the drinking
age and to compel everyone to wear warning labels, but they were not quiet in
their minds. It would probably take
intervention by the Federal government to clean up the mess the university and
police had made of their children’s lives.
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